six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
