Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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