it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
