I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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