guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
