did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
