I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
