uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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