forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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