You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
