Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
