I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize