All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
