normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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