god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
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