I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I need a burrito and a hug.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
