dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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