I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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