Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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