the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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