You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Sober January is a disaster.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
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