he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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