News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
How does it feel to date your dad?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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