you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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