Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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