It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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