Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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