Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
