so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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