pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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