So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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