Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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