I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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