BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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