hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
