So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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