I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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