theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize