i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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