I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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