you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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