i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
