I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
