I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Ketchup is God's man juice
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
