life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
