Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
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