i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
