whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
