Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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