New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
