I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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