What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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