Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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