TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
