My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
