just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
